“Mr. Shue, I swear this is totally not what it looks like.”
He’s frozen to the spot, aghast at the sight before him. Rachel’s boyfriend in his boxers with her in his lap, her hands pressed against his chest and his under her shirt.
“No, Rachel, I’m pretty sure this is exactly what it looks like.”
It totally was.
See, Puck told her that they should go to the gym ‘cause no one was ever around this time of day except Willie the groundskeeper, who always had his back anyway. But she was all, no, no, no, let’s go to the music room. Now, if there was one thing he learned dating Rachel Berry, it was that nothing (and he means nothing) turned her on like those red plastic chairs. At first he thought it was because she still had a thing for Mr. S and he was just peeling back all her layers of cray-cray, but no. It was just that music gave her lady boners like nothing else in this world, so much so that just being in its presence lit her fire. So he laughed (Whatever you say, baby) and he let her drag him into the room and drop his pants, unbutton his shirt and sit him down in a chair. She was rattling on about getting an A on her term paper on A Farewell to Arms and some shit Baz Luhrmann announced, but all Puck registered was that she was all giggles so today must’ve been a good day. Yeah, he was kinda confused (when was he not?) but he just chalked it up to God rewarding him for being a good Jew this year and didn’t think twice about why Berry was being so…Un-Berry-like.
He was really starting to appreciate how it felt to be the one with no clothes on for once when—
Buenos Nachos, Mr. Shue. Did anyone tell you your hair's rockin' some serious volume today?
She clambers off Puck and straightens her clothes, and he’s laughing to himself because he would have expected her to get all embarrassed and rambly, but she’s getting so worked up over this and refuses to go down without a fight.
“Okay, seriously, Mr. Shue, I don’t want you to get the wrong impression here. Noah and I were just…We were just…”
She looks back at Puck and he shoots her a you’re on your own, babe look and Mr. Shue waits expectantly for her answer. Suddenly, something clicks and she turns back to him in a whirl, her face contorted in a frown. She sniffles and makes miraculous tears fall from her eyes.
“Noah made me do it!”
“Say what?!” Puck almost has his pants on when he drops them in shock.
“He told me—He told me—Oh Mr. Shue, it’s just too awful. Really, do I look like a girl who’d willfully take part in such lascivious, vulgar acts on school grounds? Let alone in the most sacred of all classrooms?”
Opposed to popular belief, Puck wasn’t always the horny teenage boy of this relationship. And today he didn’t even want to ditch lunch for this glorious quickie! It was fuckin’ Mexican food day at the cafeteria and his boys finally convinced Finn to chug two vats of Miss Pam’s Special Sauce. But then Rachel showed up with her flirty little eyes and roaming hands saying she had a “surprise” for him and dude, he was pretty sure there was no pantylines to be seen on that hiney. Smooth for miles.
And that’s when a voice deep in his soul spoke to him:
DROP THAT FUCKIN’ QUESADILLA, PUCKERMAN. THIS IS HOW ALL THE BEST PORNOS START.
“Mr. Shue, you know Berry’s high on crazy. There’s no chance in hell I’d ever force her to do anything…We’re dating for godssake! And don’t believe those knee-high socks, that girl is way freakier than she seems— Shit man, do you really think I would have to force anyone to get it on with the Puckerone? Girls beg me to give it to 'em—”
“ENOUGH, PUCKERMAN. I’m not an idiot, I know Rachel was lying back there.”
“Okay, phew, I was kinda worried because you looked—”
“And that’s exactly why I called you in here. When you and Rachel became a couple, of course we all found it a bit bizarre, but I thought maybe it’d be good for the both of you. Now I see that all you’ve done is corrupt an otherwise innocent young girl—”
“Wait…I’m the one who’s doing the corrupting?”
“Puck, you’re bad habits are obviously rubbing off on Rachel—”
“Rubbing off on Berry? If anyone’s the victim here, it’s obviously me. Barrell-‘o-Crazy over there made me watch not one, not two, but three different versions of that shitshow Chicago this weekend. Back-to-back-to-back. After that, can you blame me for wanting to make sure my junk still worked?”
“Ms. Pillsbury, I don’t understand why you’re making me—”
“Rachel, if you and Puck are having sex I just want to make sure you understand—”
“Excuse me, but I was coerced! You should be giving this information to the illiterate brute who tried to have his way with me. Just make sure the pamphlets are illustrated, he can’t handle letters.”
“If you actually expect me to believe that your boyfriend forced you to…you know…with him during lunch hour on Quesadilla Wednesday, of all days, you are sorely mistaken.”
Ms. Pillsbury reached into her desk and pulled one last pamphlet out (SAFE SEX: how to protect yourself) and placed it front of Rachel. She stared at it for a split second before bursting into laughter.
“Oh don’t you worry, Ms. Pillsbury, no little swimmers will be making their way up this birth canal any time soon. I’ve made it perfectly clear that Rachel Berry will not be having children until she’s won three Tonys, starred in her own original production, and is in a long-term, steady relationship with a Mohawk-less man who has a career path that does not include becoming an ultimate fighting champion.”
They get a week’s worth of morning detentions, but Shue has mercy on Rachel and lets her stay on the Glee club roster for their performance that weekend. Puck, on the other hand, is not so lucky.
“I must admit, I’m astounded by how hard you’re taking this, Noah. You always make such a production of how the only reason you’re still in Glee is to, quote pick some Berrys.”
“Dude, I don’t give a shit about Glee. All I’m saying is you don’t just hang your man out to dry like that, B. That shit ain’t right.”
“I thought you’d be proud, with all the lying and what not.”
“You clearly need a lesson in loyalty. We’re watching Band of Brothers tonight whether you like it or not.”
“Wait! I’m pretty sure they made that into a musical!”